So I’m as much of a romantic as the next girl. I believe in love and all the fluffy stuff that goes along with that. I’ve sadly never been in love or even been close to tell the truth. This is probably bad luck on my side OR it could be owing to a phenomenon sweeping through society: most ‘boys’ over the age of 15 are being smitten with a very serious disease known as douchebaggery.
*Douchebaggery is a serious affliction and is not to be taken lightly*
Once it has taken hold, I fear there is not much hope for the poor souls.
How does one spot a victim of douchebaggery?
Well, the truth is it has many victims beyond the sad sod himself: romance, manners, common decency, honour, good intentions, honesty, valour, chivalry and integrity are just some of the casualties. And the greatest victim of all: ladies, you and me.
I am lucky enough to call some of the most beautiful girls I have ever seen in real life my close friends and unfortunately these girls are prime prey for douchebags. It becomes really distressing to watch as douchebags foul all high expectation of how a man should behave with respect to a lady.
How does one spot a douchebag, you may ask? There are some telltale signs but sadly, most douchebags go unnoticed until it is too late. It’s like those horror films with Josh Hartnett like The Faculty and 40 Days of Night. No, Josh is too beautiful to be a flesh eating demon……no……surely not……he couldn’t be. It’s that sad.
There are varying degrees of douche, however, and this is where it gets complicated.
Some, initially, are charming and attractive and attentive to their unsuspecting prey. They talk with kind eyes and they do that little hand in the small of your back thing while they tell you stories about their childhood puppy named Silvie and ply you with alcohol. This douchebag often ‘lives just up the road’. That’s nice. Thanks for sharing.
Others pretend they are romantics. They invite you out for dinner, often insisting on paying and opening doors, introduce you to their friends and take you away for weekends which gives one the impression of gallantry but sadly portends disaster. These douchebags are arguably the deadliest when they suddenly retract all attentions claiming they were never looking for anything serious in the first place. Did we miss something here, Mr Wine and Dine? What an expensive hobby.
Another form of douchebag I myself have fallen prey to is the casual, ‘let’s have fun’ friend type of douchebag. I’m never attracted to the big ‘let’s make this official and get serious’ song and dance as I live in hope of being someday swept off my feet Ryan Gosling style and to date only a small handful of boys (with lovely girlfriends) have had this superpower. Alanis Morissette understands. The casual douchebag is the silent one. He’s so self-involved and unaware of his own internal commentator that he often ends up in the fetal position rocking back and forth while apologizing for being confused about life and funnily enough, actually calling himself a douchebag in some self-flagellating apology for being a fuck up. Excuse me while I pack away my naughty nurse négligée.
Ladies, it is within our rights to expect and demand more. Ask yourselves: What Would Alan Rickman, Gabriel Byrne and Colin Firth Do? Yes, they are all ancient but they represent an ideology; a man sans douchebaggery. A man who calls when he says he will. A man who says what he means. A man who realizes what an extraordinary catch you are. (Do you think they have sons?)
I wrote this post because I truly believe The Douchebag is THE twenty first century vermin spreading a plague of bad manners and low expectations. Ladies, it is time to galvanise. Call these fuckers out. No, they will not sparkle in the sun and they will fiddle with the nanny. Buy your own dinner, find a lovely butch lesbian friend to help you change the light bulb and don’t waste another smidge of emotion or good mascara on these cretins.
And boys, remember:
Also, wash your hands, a lot. We still don’t know how this disease is transmitted.
*No douchebags were harmed in the writing of this post as that would imply they have souls
A good response from cowboy Ralph Rudd available here.
I like this. A lot.
One MASSIVE salute in honour of the beauty and truth in your words… although the power of your writing is undermined by the use of ‘fuckers’; euphemisms made your writing magical and ‘fuckers’ kind of smashed the christmas bauble you created…
Thanks Kris. Funnily enough the thought did cross my mind, as did “What would my high school history teacher think?”
All in all, I want this here blog to sound like me as I talk and not be fluffy or convoluted so a few f-bombs will surface from time to time. The word ‘myriad’ I can assure you shall never rear its ugly head! I doubt, however, I will have find an occasion to use such words again soon so hopefully some baubles will remain intact.
You are an evil genius. I despair for the male race.
Great post, thanks.
I am still waiting or an Alan Rickman to come along. XD
There is some hope: If a mentally handicapped boy can get it right to be a true gentleman, then perhaps they’ll learn. Eventually…
Down with douchebaggery! Up with, um, non-douchebaggery!!
I do love you and your mind and your words. F-bombs and all (whats wrong with “myriad”? its like one of the best riad’s!?)
Just stumbled on over here from Twitter. What has a girl got to do to get you to update your blog more? Love your writing voice- very entertaining and insightful.
Thanks, Tamara. I think my blog writing peaks when my creativity is stifled and right now I’m very in love with my new job so that has been taking up much of my time. I have, however, had a few post ideas and will definitely try get back on track soon. x